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Nope. None of that worked. Alright so maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself but here's where I am at right now. As I was about to register for classes tonight I realized that, oh, the program I wanted to start only begins in the fall. This means that I am unable to start school until little over a year from now. I am swamped with emotions right now. What am I supposed to do? I am just going to try and break this down with a few of the things I'm feelings and see how it goes. Maybe getting this all out will help make a decision. And I'm welcoming any advice you've got!
Living in Ankeny and not going to school seems, frivolous. I have a job that given me about 6 hours a week, at only $8.00 an hour. I have amazingly wonderful giving parents, but it still costs me money to live here. But I just moved; JUST. My mom is coming tomorrow to paint my room. I haven't even lived here a month. According to these pictures;
It's no walk in the park to move me. I don't just want to make my parents come down here again (and in the winter) to move all my things. Of course Mallory would also have to find another roommate. So it's also frivolously to move. But if I went home I wouldn't have to drive nearly as far to anything; Matt, parents, friends, a job. I could get a job, live at home, learn to appreciate living away from my family (because we all know they are going to drive me nuts.. it's just a fact, but it's okay), and save up the money I spent I this summer, and over the last 2 years.
I could go to Africa, or India, or anywhere. I'd really like to spend more time helping people, as well as seeing the world.
But, oh hey, remember up there where I mentioned that whole money thing? I'm not sure if you know this but leaving .. the house .. cost money. So really I could just toss that idea completely out the window. Do they build Habitat For Humanity houses during the winter? No? Calling all elderly; I will shovel in exchange for your life stories.
This could be the perfect opportunity to finally start a crafting business, try out baking cupcakes, learn the collectors trade of antiques. My mom is retired now and having her advice, and hands, could really help me do this. I have a million ideas, and without the worry of school, and with the motivation of my loved ones, I might really be able to do it.
My biggest fear is spending the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled. Lots of people have told me that I am going to be let down because I expect life to be too perfect. I am scared I will move home, or not, and end up sitting on the couch, gaining weight, and not getting anywhere with my life. That seems farthest from perfect.. I don't think at least not wanting that is too much to ask of myself. I want to be as successful as my parents. No one is perfect, I know. But I hold myself to high expectations but often my high stress levels get in the way of that. Instead of my stress making me get stuff done, it makes me sit on the couch. And maybe if I took this 9 months off I could learn to better manage that stress. Or the opposite could happen and I could go back to school and be more stressed that I have ever been.
I need to end this post on a positive note. This is a learning experience. I am not even of legal drinking age, I can't rent a car, I'm not pregnant, I've got the best parents, an amazingly supportive boyfriend, sweet friends.. worrying about my future is allowable, but shouldn't be consuming; for all of those reasons.
photos 1&2 via Matt's phone, photos 3&4&5 via Honor.
If you've got any suggestions, please leave em. Also if you need anything, let me know, email, whateva.
Ciao!
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